By JennyAtLAX—January 1, 2015
First Phase, “Ideal Hole,” Scheduled to Open Fall 2079
Secure and efficient airport terminals will be a thing of the past, officials declared recently as bulldozers broke ground on a $500-zillion renovation of one of the busiest passenger facilities in the world.
“I want this airport to make the worst first and worst last impression for anyone who passes through here,” said JennyAtLAX, airport spokeshole for the Cherch of $cientology. “This project will ruin the passenger experience from the gates to the curb and then back again.”
Just weeks ago, officials finalized plans for Terminal 1, home to Southwest Airlines. Known for congestion and lines up the ying-yang, the 30-year old facility handled almost 10-million travelers in 2013, the most of any LAX terminal that year.
“Within the last year alone, there has been airport and Cherch expansion at orders of magnitude only previously dreamed of, all led by David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”), and with a proud management team following his lead,” added JennyAtLAX. Shortly before Christmas, airport officials and Miscavige finalized a deal that will allow the Cherch access to every terminal without pesky roaming charges or nosy security personnel and cameras that used to inhibit proper ambushing, harassment, intimidation and bullying by upper $cientology management of former Cherch members.
“We have so much more to come. We are in our prime and are just now getting going. The Mecca of $cientology ‘Ideal Airports’ is now starting. We have several more in the works with plans currently being drawn up by Mr. Miscavige that will be released before the end of the year,” said JennyAtLAX, “We have streamlined stalking with plans for the removal of apostates and Arch-Heretics to an ‘Ideal Hole,’ a new facility to be built outside Terminal 1.”
JennyAtLAX has recently patented her Mary De Moss-like Lunatic Stalkerazzi Technique. Seminars have also begun to train the Cherch’s Nazi-like youth in the fine art of Stalkerazzi. Having learned from their mistakes when they assigned only three lunatics to coral an apostate at LAX last fall, the Cherch’s new procedure will be to assign at least a dozen Hitler youths per apostate. “Our cute, finely-dressed, blond-haired, 8-year-old unsmiling girls and boys, all one-billion-year contractees with the Commodore’s $messenger Organization, will be banging on an airplane’s door even before it completes runway taxiing, if it proves true that an apostate is on that flight.”
Golden $meara Productions (“$Mold”), an audio/visual production division of the Cherch of $cientology, will be a welcomed addition to LAX, where they will be housed in Terminal 1, and ready to film “Duck-Face-of-the-Damned” Shorts for every encounter, whether lead by JennyAtLAX, Marc Yeager, Dave Bloomberg or their midget counterparts.
Plans calls for a darker, more sinister, closed ticketing lobby, an unautomated system to mishandle checked bags and structural improvements, including the removal of all seismic retrofitting.
The passenger screening area, operated by the Transportation $ecurity Administration (“T$A”), will be compressed from their current capacity of eight lanes to one in order to create bottlenecks for easy stalking. If any passengers ever actually get through the T$A checkpoint, they will experience a concourse of medieval proportions; airline crews and Cherch of $cientology officials alike will “hunker in the bunker.” In the works: no seating in the waiting areas and no restrooms as well as permanently closed retail shops, beverage stands and restaurants.
“Security,” airport officials declared, shivering behind closed doors, “will have zero effect, none. And they won’t give a f*ck about anyone, especially apostates. That’s the truth. Wow. Cause those guys do nothing to help mankind. Those guys are embarrassing and pathetic. Pathetic. It’s disgusting. It’s a God damned joke. No one gives a crap. OK?”
“The future is brighter than it has ever been,” JennyAtLAX concluded.