My name is McCrinkleroot. My mother is the Blessed Virgin JennyAtLAX, $cientologese Mom-In-Chief. The place of my birth is Immaculate Conception (“IC”), California.
The forest is my home; I live in a tree, and bee-cause mommie is never home, I’ve been raised by bee-s. I’ve migrated worldwide: I’ve traveled through deserts and Walked On Water. With my special powers, I’ve also Parted Seas, climbed mountains, and wherever I go, I’ve collected communication (“comm”) lines of $cientologists everywhere! I’ve collected more comm lines than you ever could, and yes, I can even count them: I’ve met one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six. That’s a lot of extraordinary bee-ings. And I’m still counting. Wow!
Whether at Flag, the Freewinds, or here in the IC, I have a veritable network of Trapped Bee-ings. But bee-cause mommie won’t leave me alone, my anchor points have bee-n steadily driven in, and that weakens my Affinity, Reality and Communication (“ARC”) for bee-ings (much like kryptonite to Superman). Fantastic!
Our hives and hides are a vital part of $cientology; this is what I want to communicate. If I could implant you with a command that would get you to your nearest “Idle mOrgue,”  I’d do it! That’s $cientology! That would involve a $cientology operation big-time. I’d buy that for a dollar. Wow!
Much like the pain you’d get from a bee sting on your butt, I’m here to excite you, to ignite you, to steal the rest of your Freedoms and suck the remaining Abilities from your wee wittle bee soul. Move down to a lower status; be more like “Patron Miscavige.” Did you know that every day is a Holy Day of Obligation to $cientology? While you sleep, the Holy Patron of Registrars Worldwide feasts on your very soul. Lower your Intelligence and crush your Dynamics at the same time; reach the lowest ugly band of nonexistence that you can. Did you know that there are conditions bee-low Confusion? You’re almost there! Fantastic!
I’m not sure that I can get to all the remaining places on Earth in order to reach every bee-ing. I’m willing to try. But I’ll need your help, bee-cause only mindless individuals and humpbacked whales can crack the back of Planet Earth. Wow!
To help Mr. David Miscavige, Patron of the Board of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”), squash every living bee-ing, I’d have to search every highway and byway, dump, trashcan and ashtray from here to Hong Kong; I’d have to look bee-hind your closed doors, your drawn curtains; I’d need to look in your underwear and mine. Ew! I can’t do it alone, and neither can wee wittle Four Feet Thirteen. Fantastic!
Bee-fore the next Thursday at 2:00 PM hits, I urge you to buy your next one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six sets of The Basics; COB’s “Command Intention” demands the veritable collapse of your universe and that of everyone else. “Ideal Warehouses” are opening up in communities everywhere, ready to receive the 18-wheelers from Flag, eager to dump Miscavige’s latest Trechnology. Bee there or bee square. Wow!
You are ours for the taking!
P.S. If my sting hurts you, feel free to pass this along to your network of Trapped Entheta!
 An “Idle mOrgue” defined: In $cientologese, “… an ‘Ideal’ organization… represents the ideal which any Scientology organization can compare itself to, and one to which any organization can then look and see where they are measuring up well, and where they need to improve.” In reality, however, “Ideal Orgs” are created for show only; rarely does an “Ideal Org” produce desirable products (“products” defined by L. Ron Hubbard terms, such as an auditor, a Clear or an OT); instead, an “Ideal Org” resembles an “Idle mOrgue,” a beautiful building that cost parishioners a heck of a lot of dollars to buy and renovate; a building filled with beautiful furniture and accessories… but, alas, a veritable empty shell with almost no one in it. (Definition of “Ideal Org” courtesy “Orgs Around the World,” at Word Press “Dot” Comm.)
The Blessed Virgin JennyAtLAX gracefully acknowledges the tireless assistance from:
Many thanks to “Patron Saints” Karen de la Carriere (specifically, at 5:51 in her video, “Church of Scientology Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen”) and Mike Rinder (see Ned Crink’s email in Rinder’s “Thursday Funnies On Friday”):
Karen de la Carriere: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCLhog4noE8
Mike Rinder: http://www.mikerindersblog.org/thursday-funnies-on-friday-3/
Thanks also to “Crinkleroot”: