January 3, 2015, 9:00 AM, By JennyAtLAX [In Spanish/En Español]

Hollywood, California has cinched a deal to sell four landmarks to the Cherch of $cientology for an undisclosed amount of money.

As a result, the Brown Derby restaurant chain will leave their properties before 2:00 PM this Thursday. The Derby’s owners are surveying southern California for new spaces.

Included in the recent purchase:

Brown Derby Wilshire Boulevard
3377 Wilshire Boulevard

A structure known round-the-world for its distinctive shape, the Brown Derby, located at 3377 Wilshire Boulevard, has been catching the eye of the world for decades. It will once again be a desirable hangout for movie stars when vaudeville makes its long-awaited return and after the Cherch of $cientology purchases another popular hotspot nearby: the Ambassador Hotel. The doors to that hotel’s famed “Cocoanut Grove” will open shortly so that fundraising can get underway; the Cherch hopes to raise the forty-jillion dollars necessary so that full renovations of all former Derby sites can begin as soon as possible. David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”) plans to hold court in a restored Booth 50 almost every day at the Brown Derby Wilshire Boulevard.

Brown Derby Hollywood
1628 North Vine Street

With its Spanish Mission-style facade, the second Brown Derby, located at 1628 North Vine Street, will reopen its doors on Valentine’s Day, 2087. This branch played a bigger part in the history of Hollywood, and will once again be the place to be seen and do deals.

Gossip monger and spokeshole, Karen Pout, of the Cherch of $cientology International (“C$I”), will rival former “Golden Age of Hollywood” gossip columnists Louella Parsons and Hedda Hopper, who were once regular patrons of this hot-spot. The menu for the new facility will include such perennial favorites as the COB Salad (Hollywood is purported as the COB’s birthplace). The new facility will also become the home of many $cientology celebrity caricatures; the first: Canadian actor and model, Luka Rocco Magnotta.

“These spots are perfect, in both location and size, for the expansion of the Cherch of $cientology’s menu,” said Pout, a menu known for its sloppy seconds fed to the Rehabilitation Project Force (“RPF”), a “meal” that often consists of a bland green salad, rice and beans. “We welcome the unexpected delight in acquiring them,” Pout added.

Brown Derby Los Feliz
4500 Los Feliz Boulevard

Slated by COB as this landmark’s new proprietor, Tom “Show Me The Money” Cruise hopes to follow in the shoes of this facilities original owner, film mogul Cecil B. De Mille. A new drive-in, once located outside the cafe that will soon be featured inside the domed doomed building, will service Scientologists on their way around, over and under (but not anywhere near or inside) the nearby “Idle mOrgues.”

Another Brown Derby location included in the purchase: Brown Derby Beverly Hills, 9537 Wilshire Boulevard.

Los Angeles Mayor Error Garcetti, whose district includes three of the facilities, has voiced concern over a change in the property’s use.

“I hate to endanger such beautiful historical landmarks,” said Garcetti recently. “We all know what the intent of the new owner will be. The city’s historic preservation department will make sure that the Cherch of $cientology will follow the guidelines.”

“Within the last year alone, there has been restaurant and Cherch expansion at orders of magnitude only previously dreamed of, all led by COB, and with a proud management team following his lead,” added JennyAtLAX.

My thanks to Google Translator for translating this from English to Spanish. My “hellos” to the section, “Satire, humor, irony,” of “Scientology: Information of the cult of Scientology. Advising family of followers as well as losers in general.”