I, JennyAtLAX, declare and state as follows:

As we prepare to unleash The LRH Hall mOrgue to an unsuspecting Clearwater, Florida, I’ve been there for the last few decades, under Mr. David Miscavige’s direction—in communication with him every day, to establish that facility by siphoning every penny from every $cientologist worldwide. That mOrgue will be exquisite when opened in 2099, and working on that is one of the most exciting projects I have ever done, bla bla bla bla bla.

The LRH Hall mOrgue t-shirts are printed on soft, 100% cotton. Sizes S-3XL are tapered; sizes 4X-5X are a traditional fit. For sizes over 5X, we use “Whalebone,” “Baleen”, or a comparable brand depending on availability (note: Baleen varies considerably in size). Donations for this facility, unlike Idle mOrgues, Idle Narconons, Idle UnABLEs and Idle Water Closets, will be acknowledged by the size of the t-shirt.

T-shirt sizes available (width—length in inches), their corresponding status size and donation:

  • Small (18″ x 28″), “LRH Hall Hotential,” a bazillion dollars.
  • Medium (20″ x 29″), “LRH Hall Schledium,” a bajillion dollars.
  • Large (22″ x 30″), “LRH Hall Bonosaursus,” a brazilian dollars.
  • X-Large (24″ x 31″), “LRH Hall Elite Dick,” a gazillion dollars.
  • 2X-Large (26″ x 32″), “LRH Hall Key Schlong,” a jillion dollars.
  • 3X-Large (28″ x 33″), “LRH Hall Founding Wang,” a squillion dollars.
  • 4X-Large (30″ x 34″), “LRH Hall Master Bater,” a cazillion dollars.
  • 5X-Large (32″ x 35″), “LRH Hall Prick with Honors,” a scillion dollars.
  • 47X-Whale (925″ x 1176″), “LRH Hall Explodimus Rectimus Maximus,” a billion zillion dollars.

I declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct.



Originally posted at The Underground Bunker (Tony Ortega on Scientology), “Give Scientology $1,000 and all you’ll get is this lousy T-shirt,” December 26, 2014; updated January 24, 2015.