Ideal airPort $undance (“IA$”) Destroyed; Terrorists at Large
January 25, 2015
Terrorists laid the International Airport $undance (“IA$”) to waste late last night. Surprisingly, no one was hurt or injured in the attack. The terrorists have escaped and have been identified as Jenny “Taz” Devil, Jenny de la Tourette and Jenny “Chi” Wawa, all of Hemet, California.
The attack began at 11:01 PM on January 24, 2015, and lasted until 3:00 AM today. The attackers stormed two checkpoints and decimated Terminals 1, 2, and 3; Terminals 4 and 5 were leveled a couple of hours later.
“Jenny ‘Taz’ Devil is an extremely aggressive beast,” said one observer, a college-educated professor who preferred not to be identified for fear of retaliation. “Jenny ‘Taz’ Devil,” he added, “is a ferocious, albeit dim-witted subspecies.” Authorities were helpless to defend Terminals 1, 2 and 3 against her crazed behavior and voracious appetite; Jenny “Taz” Devil ate everything and anything with an appetite and temper that knows no bounds. Visitors, travelers and security alike were trapped as she spun like a vortex, biting through anything, chewing up the scenery, along with entire buildings and airliners as if they were candy.
Airport security fought bravely and tried to limit the attack, but Jenny “Taz” Devil threatened to take them out one at a time, and caused security to flee when all their weapons were sucked into her vortex. The National Guard were called into emergency service, but they, too, fled, after negotiations broke down between security and Jenny ‘Taz’ Devil. “We couldn’t identify her needs,” admitted National Guard Major Azb Zarb. “She spoke mostly in growls, grunts, rasps and screeches. Every so often we could make out a weak request for someone to hand her a toothpick.”
Eyewitnesses said that horn-shaped fur covered Jenny “Taz” Devil’s head. She whirled about like a tornado as buildings in the first three terminals collapsed, while the sound of several hundred motors spun in unison, the noise all coming from her, providing an eerie backdrop. Authorities evacuated the Ideal airPort when it became clear that her efforts to find more to eat meant that she’d be looking for something a bit meatier.
Occasionally, Jenny “Taz” Devil could actually speak, but only to utter something incongruous; when the National Guard fired upon her, they could hear her screech and rasp, “I think you’re being quite rude and quite insulting,” while at other times she grunted and growled, “Stop committing suppressive acts, full time suppressive acts, full time. Unbelievable. Just end it. Why don’t you get a life, man. Just get a life. You’ve had zero effect, none.”
Jenny de la Tourette destroyed Terminal 4. Authorities were helpless in their attempt to prevent her rampage; they found her aggressive, vicious and violent. “We couldn’t get anywhere near her,” Private Trey Thomas told reporters, “Our bullets bounced off her every word like they do in the Superman comics. She terrified my troop back to elementary school.” She barked continuous and fired off obscenities: “You piece of sh*t,” “f*ck you,” and “you c*ck-sucking piece of sh*t.” “I arrived at Terminal 4 to meet friends coming in for Sundance,” Alicia Alice told reporters. “We were at the exit door of the terminal when all of a sudden, we heard that dog barking and people screaming, running from her obscenities. We had to cover our children’s ears.” A now-wanted suspect, who at the time apparently aided Jenny de la Tourette, was heard to say, “But she’s always been the sweetest bitch,” as if to apologize to the people she helped usher from the terminal. When Jenny de la Tourette stopped momentarily to spray everyone and everything in her path, the same suspect added, “And she’s f*cking house-trained, too!” IA$ did not know that Jenny de la Tourette would be so offensive and so insensitive to people with Tourette Syndrome (“TS”). “Please accept out apologies,” IA$ said in their press release, “We think she’s crazy. We can help this woman. We’re going to have to help her with $cientology technology.” The police had no comment to make.
Jenny “Chi” Wawa, a scrawny, violent psychotic dog, lost her mind at least once while destroying Terminal 5. “Her pink eyes dilated into twin nuclear-like explosions,” a witness told authorities. As the walls crumbled and airlines exploded around her, Jenny “Chi” Wawa chewed luggage “with monolithic, jagged teeth” and stained lounges, restaurants and bars. In their attempt to negotiate with Jenny “Chi” Wawa, authorities admitted to finding her brilliant yet emotionally cracked. “I tried to sneak up behind and grab her long, pink, rat-like tail,” said General Martin De Meisler, “but her bad breath and body odor overwhelmed us.” Psychologists on the scene were able to identify Jenny “Chi” Wawa’s catch phrases, things she repeated again and again and again to nobody in particular yet to everybody at once: “Go leef a life, “Eeet’s disgusting”,” and “Eeet’s pathetic.”
Early reports now confirm that Jenny “Taz” Devil, Jenny de la Tourette and Jenny “Chi” Wawa, had one thing in mind: stalk and ambush at least eight people attending the Sundance Fim Festival. “Counter-intelligence has revealed,” Major Azb Zarb told us after the siege ended, “that they came to the airport to stalk, but their dimwittedness, along with their inability to put together complete sentences, dampened their efforts.” With the HBLOW® Documentary Films presentation of “Gone Clear: $cientology and the Prism of Belief,” security was increased at IA$ and Sundance. There are eight former Scientologists who will tell their stories about abuse in the church. But which eight? This reporter wonders if that is the reason for the attack and destruction of the airport. The Jennys may have gone completely insane in their pursuit of the Unseen and the Unknown. Three cheers for HBLOW®: “Hip, Hip, HORRAY! Hip, Hip, HORRAY! Hip, Hip, HORRAY!”
The Jennys suspected ringleader, JennyAtIA$, is still at large, and authorities have blanketed Utah in their search for this wanted criminal. An onlooker who has lived in the area for thirty years summed it all up: “The IA$ is no more. It’s gone, kaput.”
IA$ served Utah’s Salt Lake City, Park City, and Ogden, as well as at the Sundance Resort. The brainchild of David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”), the Ideal airPort Sundance was a joint venture with the Sundance Film Festival Committee designed to provide visitors with a streamlined approach to the festival without the inconvenience of ground transportation from neighboring airports. In ceremonies attended by 1,500,000,000 local $cientologists and some 45 travelers, IA$ was dedicated on Friday, July 13, 2012; COB, ecclesiastical leader of $cientology, led that dedication.