COB’s Birthday 2015
A message from COB’s only friend:

Through the calendar year, $cientology has a handful of significant international events:

  • IA$ Gala®
  • IA$ Gala-at-Your-Nearest-Idle-mOrgue®
  • IA$ Gala At-Your-House-or-Apartment-or-Flat®
  • IA$ Gala At-Your-Front-Door®
  • IA$ Gala At-Your-Back-Door®
  • IA$ Gala Where-Ever-You-Are®
  • IA$ Gala When-You’re-at-Flag®
  • IA$ Gala When-You-Are-on-the-Fleewinds®
  • IA$ Gala Keeping-You-from-Moving-Up-the-Bridge-to-Total-Fleedom®

We know when you are sleeping, we know when you’re awake, we know when you’ve been to the bank and back, so be good for goodness sake.

The mostest important event to all of us is COB’s Birthday.

No doubt, dear $cientologist, you feel just like I do: COB is the bestest friend we could have ever hoped for and we owe Four Feet Thirteen so much for:

  • His kindness, compassion and understanding that knows no bounds.
  • His utmost care, warmth and effusiveness.
  • His utmost in patience and interest in $cientology executives and staff and seeing to their duplication of COB’s writings, with every meeting designed to increase our competence, ability and purpose to bring about a renaissance on the planet with COB technology.
  • Bringing about a Cherch expansion at orders of magnitude only previously dreamed of—and don’t you dare think of what L. Ron Hubbard (“LRH”) accomplished before COB entered the picture; even thinking about LRH will cost you a Security Check—led by COB, and with a proud management team following his lead.
  • His helping every single $cientologist achieve personal detriment with $cientology.

COB has dragged the Cherch, kicking and screaming, into a dark, dank, stinking void where no one can stand up and say they’re proud to be a $cientologist and yet, somehow, still be part of this incredibly painful bowel movement. Ouch!

I know that I’ll never, ever be able to fully eject my head from COB’s butt without your help. Help me! Please, help me, dear God! You need to get through your next level of The Bridge to Total COB Fleedom® without fail before Thursday at 2:00 PM:

COB Patron: $1 million
COB Patron with Honors: $5 million
COB Patron Meritorious: $10 million
COB Silver Meritorious: $15 million
COB Gold Meritorious: $20 million
COB Platinum Meritorious: $25 million
COB Diamond Meritorious: $50 million
COB Patron Laureate: $75 million
COB Platinum Laureate: $100 million
COB Diamond Laureate: $125 million
COB Patron Excalibur: $150 million
COB Platinum Excalibur: $175 million
COB Diamond Excalibur: $200 million
COB Patron Maximus: $300 million
COB Platinum Maximus: $400 million
COB Diamond Maximus: $500 million

Celebrate COB’s birthday with all his friends; it’s a sign of our gratitude for allowing us to stay alive… barely.

C U there!

Pat Parody, New, Newer, Newest Oat Tee 8
1,500th Time as a Totally Confused Field Staff Member (“FSM”)

“I hate you, I hate you one and all. The birthday cheer is mine, and mine alone. It’s all mine! F*ck off and die.”—COB.

© C$WU$, All Rights Reserved. Grateful acknowledgment is made to JennyAtLAX for use of her Blog and to COB for permission to reproduce a selection from copyrighted works of COB. Oat Tee, COB and $CIENTOLOGY are trademarks and service marks owned by David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”) and are used with his/its/them/their/our permission. Printed in U.S.A.

Inspired by: Something Can Be Done About It (Mike Rinder’s Blog), “Pat Parody,” January 30, 2015.