January 31, 2015

A Duggar Downs, California man accused of “donating” $19 billion to a woman representing herself as a member of the “Children of COB,” was convicted Tuesday under a new federal law that stiffens the penalties for accepting religious whoring at airports worldwide.

Jim Bob Duggar, 54, was arrested last month at Los Angeles International Airport (“LAX”) for accepting Whales Tricked by Flirting (“WTFing”), a type of religious hooking practiced by the “Children of COB.”

“Duggar is the first person from Duggar County, and most likely the entire state, to be tried, then convicted under the new federal law that prohibits accepting love bombing bordering on sexual favors,” said Aiken Balzac, spokeshole for the Los Angeles LAX Airport (“LALA”).

The woman, identified only as JennyAtLAX, age undetermined, is currently at large, and is suspected of love bombing and using her sexual prowess to win religious converts into the fold of the Cherch of $cientology. Witnesses have identified JennyAtLAX as one of “COB’s Whores,” and when ambushing disgruntled apostates has failed in the past, she has worn instead her “Hooker for COB” Hat and sought “donations” through her freelance WTFing.

According to court papers, JennyAtLAX performed her duties as “COB’s Whore,” by earning $19 trillion dollars at LAX and other airports worldwide between 2005 and January of this year. Affidavits from witnesses declared that she wired her earnings to COB offices on Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, California, and in Hemet, about 87 miles west of Los Angeles.

Over the past two weeks, a Los Angeles jury heard testimony from former members of the “Children of COB” in order to ascertain the method by which just a small portion of Jim Bob Duggar’s bootleg whiskey fortune had been siphoned.

The most damaging testimony came from JennyAtLAX herself. Although still missing and unaccounted for, JennyAtLAX’s diary—recovered in bathroom stall #3 of the women’s restroom in Terminal One at LAX—was admitted into evidence during the trial. It gives the most damning evidence against Duggar in that it describes in detail exactly where they met as well as when and what he “donated.” Included in her diary were copies of Duggar’s credit card “donations” as well as this brief history of the “Children of COB” which led to JennyAtLAX’s wayward ways:

In the early 1980’s, COB offered the probability of forming a more intimate and personal form of witnessing, thus “Whales Tricked by Flirting,” or “WTFing.” In his Policy Letters, COB suggested that since He is Love, then his female followers should become as close as they can to the embodiment and manifestation of COB’s love for mankind. Because mankind makes so much money, and since money is the root of all of COB’s evils, then “donations” or “sacrifices” should be made by society’s leviathans through COB’s whores. JennyAtLAX became the first of COB’s followers to go to such a great length in order to show such love for COB through the material pleasure that only monetary mammoths and mastodons could provide.

The “Children of COB” cult’s roots can be traced to “The Gospel According to COB,” Chapter 19, Verse 1: “And COB commanded the whale, and it vomited monetary offerings into $cientology’s coffers worldwide.”

Some of her diary entries are as follows:

While talking to COB about my successful love bombing techniques as a Registrar collecting money for outrageous Patron statuses in the early days of the International Association of $cientologists (“IA$”), he encouraged me to write them down so that other “Children” might benefit. Soon, “Hookers for COB” worldwide were practicing successfully COB’s ministry, thus we began pioneering an outreach which bore COB good fruit. In order to help more lost souls and lonely people while financially supporting COB, we realized that we would need facilities from which to operate. In conjunction with the ambushing of disgruntled apostates at key destinations across the globe, “Ideal airPorts” were born.

When we opened our first “Ideal airPort” in Madrid, in 2005, I was there for a couple of months, under COB’s direction—in communication with him every day, to establish that facility. That “Ideal airPort” is exquisite and working on that was one of the most exciting projects I have ever done. I was getting the staff set up in the new facilities, uniformed, getting them trained, grooving them in, working on promotion and reaching out to the local community, alternating between ambushing apostates and hooking whales. Sometimes I get confused, and whale into an apostate. Whoops! My bad!

COB needs all of our financial help in the day-to-day activities of the Cherch, and “hooking” has given COB the boost he needs in order to keep his real estate empire afloat.  He’s been through a few financial scrapes; COB has “seen” the future; his Vision of the coming crisis demands that we store tons of food and buy lots of camping supplies for the remaining $ea mOrgue members who will be left alive when the End Days arrive.

“Whoring for Whales” and “Hooking for COB” sure beats being tied down to a 9-to-5 system job. They’re kind of alike, only with “Hooking for COB,” I can conduct WTFing 24/7 and Witness to my heart’s content. COB writes in Policy Letter 19.2, “If you can do it for COB, hooking and whoring is not only a good life but good Witness, too.”

I’ve generated gobs of COB financial support through day-after-day ministering; I’ve chased some of the fattest whales around. Big Fish such as:

  • Major Lee Gay (“Platinum Up There,” $19 million).
  • Iva Woody (“Diamond Way Up There,” $19.25 million).
  • Ima Priest (“Patron Bigguns,” $19.5 million).
  • Anita Goodlay (“Platinum Bigguns,” $19.6 million).
  • Emersom Biggins (“Diamond Bigguns,” $19.7 million).
  • Chris P. Bacon (“Patron Maximustrollius,” $19.8 million).
  • Nealon Licket (“Platinum Maximustrollius,” $19.9 million).
  • Mike Oxtiff (“Diamond Maximustrollius,” $19.999999999999999999999999 million).

I can’t f*cking stand ambushing disgruntled apostates; I’m fed up with those who don’t show their gratitude with something material. Don’t get me wrong; it’s fun to scream, “you’ve had zero effect, none, and nobody gives a f*ck about you,” as well as “f*ck you, you c*ck-sucking piece of sh*t,” but it doesn’t pay COB’s bills! (See COB Policy Letter 19.3). If frequent ambushing isn’t possible, then I gratefully accept all the WTFing I can get.

Operating out of Terminal 1, LAX (and, more specifically, the Wi-Fi, computer and electronic enhancements in bathroom stall #3) works really well. There’s something about being in an International Airport: with so many people coming and going, there’s always a new opportunity to ambush an apostate or hook a whale. Traveling from “Ideal airPort” to another really helps, too, because then you’re never that well-known in any of the usual “fishing holes.” When WTFing, I rarely see anyone else except my bait’s rear-end as I withdraw the bloody harpoon or when I beach ’em (sun drying loosens the blow- and butt-holes, which allows a girl to have a “whale of a good time” with the carcass).

Many of the whales I hook are lonely or alone; they’re fresh from the nearest “Ideal mOrgue” from which they’ve barely escaped within an inch of their lives. Once he’s in an “Ideal airPort,” what without any support facilities, security or exit doors, the whale is mine, all mine! A whale can do only one thing after escaping from an “Ideal mOrgue,” and that is to “donate” more and more and more to me, to COB! With promises of lots of relaxation and full body rubs after having being trapped in an “Ideal mOrgue” by IA$ Registrars, whales are like blubber in my hands!

I’ll never forget my very first “hook,”  I had spent the better part of the day pumping COB for all the answers to the zillions of questions that I had. What the f*ck do I do? What the f*ck do I say? COB advised in Policy Letter 19.4: “Overcome any fear you might have. WTFing might happen, you ask? Proceed in Faith!” After my nineteenth “hook,” I realized that my whales are always the same. Yes, some might be big, some small; some are receptive, some are not.  They’re always fresh, however, from the subterranean levels of The Bridge to Total COB Fleedom®.

In almost every expedition, I’ve found the whales to be quite nice and are often putty in my mitts. Sometimes a “love bomb” stinks pretty bad; in that case, tuck the whale’s money in your purse and make a beeline for that bathroom stall where you can make that quick credit card transaction. Remember COB Policy Letter 19.5: “May COB protect you and pray that you always get receptive whales.  COB always accepts your prayers and donations!”

Copies of internal “Children of COB” records, also found in bathroom stall #3, indicate that 19,000,000 “whales” were love bombed over the last decade in airports worldwide.

Defense attorney Wilma Fingerdoo contended in her closing argument Monday that Deputy Prosecutor Ike Umlotz hadn’t proved her client guilty at all.

“There is no truth to the rumor that David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) is the same ‘COB’ as in ‘Children of COB'” said Karin Spout, spokeshole for the Cherch of $cientology International (“C$I”).

“Mr. Duggar’s testimony contains literally gazillions of errors and factless misstatements,” added Ms. Spout, “including zillions of damaging, defamatory and false statements about the Cherch, C$I, its members and leadership. When made aware of this fact and appropriate evidence, the press in 19 countries wouldn’t report on it.”

“There is no truth to the rumor that convicted felon Jim Bob Duggar is the same ‘Jim Bob Duggar’ of the American reality television show, 19 Kids and Counting, said Faye King, spokeshole for the The I’m-Too-Slow-to-Learn Channel (“ITSTLC”).

In unrelated news, the entire town of Duggar Downs, California, was torched late Thursday night by 19 or more unknown assailants.