Jokers and degraders (“J&Ds”) in Going Clear Water, Florida, and in cities around the world, are about to receive some tender loving care.
David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”) said Thursday that he has completed the final diagrams and drawings needed for the installation of Idle Toilets® around the Cherch’s Idle mOrgues worldwide (see Illustration 4).
The Cherch of $cientology are the experts on compassionate understanding of the J&D. “There will always be those who will occasionally make fun of something because they don’t understand it,” explained COB. “Research into the backgrounds of a small group of disgruntled apostates has shown, however, that the J&Ds among them have strayed much further from the flock than we initially thought.”
A protesting J&D, whether they be a member of Anonymous or a bitter, defrocked and excommunicated member of the Cherch, is often handled by simple word clearing—finding their misunderstood word or curing the hopelessness they feel for their spiritual eternity outside $cientology.
Humor and wit is seen in some cultures as quite and healthy release of frustrations that people have toward society. “The sole purpose of a J&D without a loo, however, goes way beyond simple frustration. It’s the disruption of a mOrgue in order to find one that makes the Cherch reevaluate their relationship with the excommunicated,” explained COB. “A J&D in search of a toilet drives students from a mOrgue, and pains us to our ecclesiastic core. We at RTrC are going to step up to the plate and help J&Ds with $cientology trechnology.”
“Any J&D,” COB said, “who looks like he just got off the boat and doesn’t have a clue as to who he is, where he is, or what he is, will no longer have to poop or pee in public. Gone are the days when some fat chick dressed only on an over-sized t-shirt can just walk up to the edge of a subway track and take a big fat dump just as a train pulls into the station to pick up hundreds of people who all have eyes only on what the big fat chick just did. There’ll be no more accidental flashing of second generation $cientologists or indecent exposure charges filed in the ‘Happiest Place on Earth,'” COB declared.
Recently, COB wrapped up an investigation in a report on public toilets that he prepared for the U.S. Sturgeon General. COB is ever alert to the growing health concerns of his parishioners. “This plan,” COB stated, “if implemented worldwide will eliminate (no pun intended) the need for J&Ds to even think about going into the nearest Idle mOrgue in order to ‘take care of business.’ The only ‘business’ $cientology is interested is the commercial Whaling business.” Yet happy whales and happy J&Ds make a happy COB. The last thing a J&D needs to worry about during a protest is where they’re going to find a loo.
The most essential feature of an Idle Toilet® is the box, closed portion, under the seat in which a receptacle will receive and safeguard the excreta; a room for the J&D; and proper ventilation, if they’re lucky.The receptacle is basically a box; on top of that box is a seat. Idle Toilets® come with one large “hole” since the size of the toilet prevents two J&Ds from taking care of business in the same unit at the same time. Above each “hole,” there’s supposed to be a hinged lid that lifts up toward the rear of the room; initial Idle Toilet® designs prevented a J&D from being clobbered by the seat as soon as the J&D got up. Subsequent Idle Toilet® designs, along with mOrganic toiletries, will allow a most pleasurable Idle Toilet experience for even the most discriminate J&D. New, softly padded seats will gently soothe the J&D with a direct hit to the noggin and will close safely as the J&D effortlessly enters the receptacle for his treatment.
In each Idle Toilet’s® box is a tub, barrel, pail or can, depending on the size and need of the J&D. Each receptacle sits snugly against the seat so as to protect the floor. It is held in place by cleats attached to the floor so that the tub will always be centered and never tilt or angle in an awkward direction.
Each Idle Toilet® is water-tight and is entered in through the front by a good, tight fitting door (see Illustration 1). Each roof has a double slant; four wire screens vent near the roof can prevent gagging and dry-heaving. Each vent is of copper wire to keep insects out and provide adequate air circulation. Ventilators are an important part of an Idle Toilet®, as they not only allow the free circulation of air, thus reducing odors, but make an Idle Toilet® cooler (see Illustration 7). A fifth wire screen that automatically covers the “hole,” protects the J&D from flies and insects while in the receptacle. Idle toilets® also have hinged back doors for easy removal of the receptacle (see Illustration 3). The rear or back door of an Idle Toilet® should always stay firmly closed (see Illustration 6).
An Idle Toilet® alone is not an eye-attraction to any yard. Designs will accompany each Idle Toilet® for the addition of lattice-work, vines and shrubs to in order create a natural wilderness that won’t deter from the surroundings. The ensuing jungle growth will also be a natural protection and barrier to sufficiently drown out screams made by the J&D while in the “hole.” This plan comes without any additional charge, and renders the Idle Toilet® more private and less unsightly.
A box of mOrganic top soil comes with each Idle Toilet® so that excreta can be covered with a handful or three of the dirt before bathing. This might be all too simple; you might wonder why COB would even dream of something into such a design. “Some J&Ds are just careless,” COB explained, “and forget to cover before they cleanse.” The more mOrganic you go, the less shelf life for any germ and spore living under these conditions. Previous Idle Toilet® designs incorporated the use of lime instead of mOrganic top soil. Some J&Ds respond better to lime, but surveys showed that flies carried the lime into Idle mOrgues and deposited it on top of foods. The Putrification Rundown’s use of large doses of vitamins and a blend of oils, for example, easily attracted lime-carrying flies (see Illustration 9).
The frequency to which an Idle Toilet® should be cleaned will depend on the size of the “hole” and the number of J&Ds in it. In general, it’s best to clean an Idle Toilet® once in the winter and twice in the summer.
“Each J&D will receive,” COB announced, “a specially-made kit of mOrganic toiletries so they can pamper themselves.” Each earth-friendly kit is made up of 100% natural ingredients, without any nasty synthetic fragrances or artificial colors. No animals will have been completely tortured to test these products; each kit will be almost suitable for vegans. The kits and all ingredients are assembled by the loving hands of Sea mOrgue members in the dungeon of the new Supa Pouw Building. Next door is $cientology’s patented Sea mOrgue factory where assembly lines mass produce Idle Toilets® (see Illustration 5).
Each mOrganic toiletry kit will contain:
1. Shampoo and Body Thetan Cluster Wash by Teegeeack Friendly J&D®. There’s no nasty mixture of glycol and alcohol in Teegeeack Friendly J&D’s wonderful, all-in-one body thetan (“BT”) cluster cleanser. The soothing mOrganic lilac formula has been created to gently rid your hair and skin of excess BTs; ordinary soaps leave said clusters behind. The moisturizing mOrganic plant oils used improve your skin’s ability to recover from the cluster removal, leaving behind a smart, refreshing scent!
2. mOrganic Sea Sponge by Beam-Me-Up-Baby®. Every Beam-Me-Up-Baby® sponge offers the most luxurious bath. Each natural deep sea sponge expands when wet, creating a deep, rich, thick lather from which BTs can’t be seen as they’re washed from your pores and, later, when they’re sucked down the bathroom drain. Synthetic sponges don’t stand a chance against BTs; sea sponges last much longer and are very durable. Since natural mOrganic sea sponges suck up and hold more BTs without dripping, simply wring the sponge gently after each use. May we suggest that you wash each natural mOrganic sponge occasionally in order to deter BT build-up.
3. mOrganic Bubble Bath by Teegeeack Friendly J&D®. A body riddled with BTs is like a house that smells damp and musty; a structure long-haunted by ghosts of the dead. mOrganic Bubble Bath comes in classic mOrganic Glycol and relaxing mOrganic Alcohol. Teegeeack Friendly J&D® makes one just for COB: mOrganic Scotch. The rich foam created for each and every bath expertly masks the BTs as they slip from your skin as you scrub them with your mOrganic Sea Sponge. A little makes a lot of BTs go a long way, so be sure to pour carefully. When done with your mOrganic Bubble Bath, it is advisable not to stand too close to the bathtub drain as those BTs are sucked away.
4. mOrganic Butt Wipes by Teegeeack Friendly J&D®. Thick yet soft mOrganic Butt Wipes are 100% biodegradable even when tossed carelessly onto the tracks of that subway—at least you’ve been wiped mOrganically! Each wipe has been made with mOrganic rat weed to gently soothe and cleanse delicate hemorrhoids and eczema while wiping up brown streaks or nasty sphincter drips or drools.