To: Cope Officer (“Cope Off”) Narconon International (“NN Int”)

33 Mayday 2006

CC: Executive Director (“ED”) NN Int
CC: President NN Int
CC: Deputy Executive Director (“D/ED”) Expansion NN Int
CC: Qualifications Secretary (“Qual Sec”) NN Int
CC: Director of Communications (“Dir Comm”) NN Int
CC: Amy Liscious

Knowledge Report (“KR”)
Amy Liscious

I work in the Office of the President NN Int. I represent the company’s image which is to be the highest level of professionalism. That image is fully reflected in all aspects, including the dress code, and needs to be be top notch in every way.

My goal is for our organization (“org”) to be free from Amy Liscious and her scourge, a place where staff members can achieve their best without the sight of bad dress, hair or makeup days.

Has Amy ever looked in the mirror?

Let’s face it: She’s a diva—difficult and demanding—and a complete distraction. I’m not a certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor (and neither is anyone who works at NN Int), but what drug or substance is she on? What has she been snorting, smoking or shooting? What medications or mood stabilizers has she been taking?

When she first started working at NN Int, that bear didn’t shave at all; later, she shaved her face and chest regularly. She’s got lots of hair and you should see the fancy set of safety scissors she carries around in that thing she calls a purse. Then all of a sudden, she got a full body wax. I’ll never forget that first day when she showed up at work looking like a hairless Chihuahua.

I can’t figure out whether she wants to go medium, large or extra large. Have you seen those hip pads? Hey, sister? Thin is in!  When she bends over, you can see her waist cincher pop out from under her blouse as it inches up over her waist. Now, that’s what I call “47X Global Expansion”! What is she trying to do, lose ten dresses sizes overnight? I can just imagine what’s going on in her little feeble mind: Ooh, I’m feeling foxy now! Her here-to-stay shaper has left the building! She must really think that the boom in her bust gives guys a flexiboner. Shapewear can’t shapeshift that mess.

She even wears a workout band at the gym. One night, it was so tight on her that it compressed my core and completely ramped up the perspiration in everyone else in the facility. Her faja style waist cinch kicked my metabolism into overdrive, completely mobilized my fat cells and kicked the impurities and toxins from my skin! I felt like I had just completed the Putrification Rundown!

That girl doesn’t know how to take care of her manly bits. When it comes to looking like the girl she wants to be, she lacks upstairs and is overstocked down below. She tries to hide her manly jewels by tucking them in, but she doesn’t have enough thighs to tuck that package away. Women’s panties being both smooth and snug could hold it all in place for some, but Amy needs to go beyond gaff and pantyhose. One day, I heard some noise coming from the handicapped stall in the restroom, and when I peeked through the wall divider, I saw her laying on the floor, with a triple layer, front panel, nude gaff pulled up to her thighs! I gasped as I saw her tuck her ostrich-sized testicles into that pit she calls an abdominal cavity. When she tried to pull the gaff up, I thought she was going to have a heart attack! She’s going to need a few more hormone injections to shrink that chicken crotch.

Her makeup is 47 shades of wild, and with those false eyelashes, she can easily be seen from 150 rows back at any NN Int event. Once, I even offered to apply the greasepaint, but she can’t stand not being at the reigns of her own performance.

Amy needs to be more careful choosing her wardrobe. She insists on wearing tops with narrow shoulders, short sleeves and high waistlines, but all that does is expose her cincher. It looks like she’s been shopping at those generic stores again for her big shoe size needs. Nothing makes a pair of chicken legs look less attractive than a pair of six-inch heels.

When I came in the org today, Amy was wearing a t-shirt style top that was short sleeved and looked like it was cut down the center ending just above her bra line. And what does she call a “bra”? For sizing, she would have done better if she had measured around her chest a little bit closer to the nipples of her man boobs. A few years ago, I heard she wasted $5,000 for a plastic surgeon to “cure” her of what she laughingly referred to as a “hormone imbalance.” In her world of cup size, bigger is not better; she’s way beyond a “B” or a “C” or anything that resembles “natural.” What a big-breasted, snarky skank. And can we talk cleavage? Once I saw her try to hold those man boobs with one hand. Then, after she ran out of strips of medical tape to sash around her chest cavity, she to turned duct tape, but got it stuck to her Bingo wings.

Her hair is sloppy and unprofessional. She’s been shopping generic again for wigs. Doesn’t she know that she needs to buy a nice, high quality wig? Everyone knows that slut has never been able to grow a healthy head of hair. She dons that wig and just marches around as if she has natural long, luxurious wavy hair. And talk about unkempt! What’s up with that color? Is she a redhead, brunette or blond? Is that bush straight or curly? That wig is just screaming for some tips on brushing and storage. She shops for her clothes, makeup, shoes and wigs like my mother does for toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

Sometimes, VIPs or celebrities visit NN Int. What would Earth’s perfect diva and NN Int’s star graduate, Krusty Alley, say if she came to our offices and saw Amy violating the dress code?

Amy is an Unprofitable Image Found!

This is true!


Teddy Boy
Director of Profitable Images

Inspired by The Underground Bunker (Tony Ortega on Scientology), “More secrets from Scientology’s vanished entity, Narconon International,” February 14, 2015.