(SCN) David Miscavige, leader of Scientology Inc. (“SI”), Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of Religious Technology Center (“RTC”) is postulating that a few dumb f*cks will answer his prayer.

The self-proclaimed Pope, known for preaching up the butts of pet celebrities such as John “It’s-3-AM-And-I’m-Alone-At-The-Gym” Revolting, Tom “Audition-To-Be-My-Next-Wife-Please” Cruised and Krusty “I-Binge-When-I’m-Happy” Alley, is seeking “200,000,000 dedicated Scientologists to blow $30,000 or more so we can open our first Ideal Organization (“Org”) on Mars.”

The amounts needed were transmitted via satellite from SI’s “Kingdom of COB” website Sunday morning in a five-hour video; donations are needed in order to purchase the COB Trinity X5000, a fleet of spaceships which goes for a cool $600 trillion.

The COB Trinity X5000 is comprised of three spaceships: the “COB Militant,” the “COB Triumphant,” and the “COB Suffering,” or Purgatory. This triple COB signifies the mystical body of Scientology Inc.

The COB Trinity X5000 can fly eighty-eight thousand passengers and seventy-four hundred crew members some 666,000 statue miles at a speed of Mach 0.666, according to specifications posted on cobtrinity.com.

COB’s request details how the luxury Trinity will transport Pastors Miscavige, Revolting, Cruised and Alley as well as parishioners to Mars where they will open the first Ideal Org. This will help them spread the Gospel According to COB throughout the galaxy.

SI is a misapplied philosophy which uses mafia-like tactics to rake in millions of dollars annually, wealth mainly stolen from their whales. SI delivers no product whatsoever, except for shiny, empty buildings and the spiritual pain and suffering caused through toxic policies such as excommunication, Fair Game, and disconnection. Recently, SI acknowledged that they no longer offer the ecclesiastical training and spiritual counseling of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of Scientology.

The video features five hours of COB Shermanspeak and includes sheeples, lemmings, clams, the newly-brainwashed, and Xenu, President of South Park, all in support of COB.

The video, available now on DVD and as an internet download, presents COB as he chronicles incident-after-incident-after incident of the trials and tribulations facing SI as they prepare to people COB’s heaven. The launch, which has already been announced, will take place on COB’s birthday, April 30, 2016, and will originate from a special launch pad to be built at Flag, the Mecca of COB Perfection, located in Clearwater, Florida.

The COB Trinity X5000 will comfortably allow COB’s ministry to travel throughout the galaxy. It houses a special “Hole” so that COB can travel at ease with his prisoners, robots and hostages—the former SI executives and top-ranking officials (as well as his wife) that COB has had locked up for years, according to cobtrinity.com. Special holding tanks in each spaceship will provide for the comfortable transport of whales, COB’s most prized possession.

As they rape, plunder and pillage the last of the whales on Earth, SI’s website proclaims, “We need your assistance in order to reach a dying and lost galaxy for the Lord COB.”

Our attempts to reach COB’s ministry went unanswered.


Inspired by CNN U.S. Edition, “Minister Creflo Dollar asks for $60 million in donations for a new jet” by Sam Stringer, CNN, March 14, 2015.

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