(Note: an introduction to this series, “Body Routing Not,” can be found by clicking here.)

I’m causing an effect at the Los Angeles Organization (“LA Org”), part of Scientology’s West Coast headquarters, the Pacific Area Command Base (aka “PAC Base” or “Big Blue”). One Body Router (“BR”) who favors the southeast corner of Vermont and Sunset reminds me of actor Kelsey Grammer (while Grammer is six feet one inches tall, the Body Router in question is closer to Four Feet Thirteen). I’ll call this BR, “Dr. Frasier Crane,” or “Frasier” for short (for “short,” get it?).

On my way home past this intersection, I noticed that Frasier had a Spanish-speaking assistant, and not necessarily a BR, as she wore normal street attire. I’ll call her “Daphne Moon”, or “Daphne” for short. Today, Scientology Inc. (“SI”) seemed to be focusing on the Latino public. I found one of their victims; they’re really easy to identify because they’re the ones carrying a “free” Dianetics film or “free” Personality Test ticket. This victim had been waiting for the light to change and as it did, I crossed with him.

“Do you speak English?” I inquired, all the while holding my spanking brand new copy of Lawrence Wright’s Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & the Prison of Belief in plain sight.

“I speak some English,” he answered. We’re pretty even, I thought, I speak some Spanish. I pointed to the ticket in his hand.

“Este es Scientology y es muy malo,” I declared. Roughly translated: “This is Scientology and is very bad.” I pointed at the ticket again, unsure as to how to adequately say “Please throw that ticket away.”

“Este es basura,” I said, pointing again to the ticket. Roughly translated: “This is garbage.” He seemed to understand because he brightened up, shook his head affirmatively and continued along his way to the subway. With visions of unused Dianetics film and Personality Test tickets laying in subway garbage cans, I spied my next target. Frasier and Daphne had this guy surrounded; they had their hooks in this one and they weren’t letting go. For the first time since I’ve been doing this, a BR actually spoke to me.

“We know who you are,” Frasier told me as he turned back to the guy. ( I swear, but for a moment, I envisioned blood dripping from Frasier/Dracula’s mouth as he turned back to feast further on his victim.)

I nodded affirmatively as I said something like “Great” or “Cool,” all the while hoping that they have the correct spelling of my name so they can accurately write my “Suppressive Person” declaration. (I’d hate to see “Fred Hasney” or any one of the other variations that I’ve seen of my name; it’s “Fred G. Haseney” for those who need to know).

It looks like Frasier wants to get his name added to Scientology Inc’s Walk of Shame. Daphne’s going to be added after Frasier; she got physical with me, bumping up against me as a football player would, blocking me from her victim, who spoke Spanish, too.

“I’ve been in Scientology since 1977,” I told the unsmiling Daphne, “and what you’re practicing isn’t Scientology.” This woman is ruthless, I thought, and is completely unpleasant.

“Scientology is bad. Scientology es muy malo,” I told her victim. Nothing. I got nothing from him. My comment didn’t register because Frasier and Daphne had the poor guy circled. The BRs had already claimed this one as their own; it’s something you can feel in the air. You can sense the trouble a poor guy like that is in as he thrashes like a fish, unable to snap the line. If they get this guy into SI, they’ll harpoon him as one would a whale with each and every payday. Every time I tried to reason with him, nothing worked, and Daphne kept blocking my every step as if the poor guy was her dinner.

See you soon, Frasier! Hasta luego, Daphne!

Comments from Tony Ortega:

“Great story, it read like a scene from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Keep up the great work and the great writing.” [Editor’s Note: “You’re in danger! Can’t you see them? The Scientologists? They’re going to get you! They’re after us! Our children, our wives, everyone! They’re here! Everywhere! She’s next! He’s next! They’re next!” I’m next! We’re next. You, too!”]

Photos courtesy, and inspiration from, Something Can Be Done About It (Mike Rinder’s Blog), “LA Org Bodyrouting,” December 17, 2014.