Holotta Delusion is a dedicated member of the Scientology religion. She was born March 13, 1971, in Tilden, Nebraska. Her adventure began at an early age when doctors successfully separated Holotta from her conjoined twin, Holessa.

Photo Caption: Conjoined Twins, Holotta and Holessa, Age Four Months

Under the tutelage of her mother, a thoroughly self-educated wonder woman, Holotta was reading well beyond her years: Greek philosophy, Shakespeare, and many classics.

Photo Caption: Holetta’s mother, Fooletta Delusion

When her parents joined the Sea Org, Holotta embarked upon the first of her stints as an ethics officer, leader and commanding officer. By the age of nine she had traveled more than a quarter of a million miles and traversed America, coast-to-coast, as the Commanding Officer  (CO”) of the Cadet Continental Org.

Photo Caption: Holotta, Age 9, Commanding Officer of the Cadet Continental Org

When her parents were Fitness Boarded out of the Sea Org, Holotta didn’t waste a minute on wondering why because as a member of the Delusion clan, she inherently knew.

Photo Caption: Holotta’s Father, Madasa Hatter Delusion

Her early years were spiritually rewarding, filled with an insatiable curiosity: when her family fled to Helena, Montana, she studied hard in the police academy. It didn’t take her long to land her first civilian job as a police woman.

Photo Caption: Police Woman Holotta, Directing Traffic

With every good turn for Holotta, however, evil came Holessa’s way, and she ended up in prison.

Photo Caption: On-the-Run Holessa, Shortly Before Police Caught Up with Her

Recently, Holessa shared her trials and tribulations with us during a prison telephone interview: “I’ve never met that man, or any man, before. I’ve never been in his car, or any vehicle before. Never. I’ve never walked that road, or any street, highway or byway before. I’ve never worn skin-tight leather slacks or a loose halter top; in fact, I’ve never worn any clothes. Ever. I’ve surely never winked ‘that way,’ and the $1,000 cash found tucked in my bra must have just ‘fallen there.'”

Photo Caption: Holessa Delusion, Prisoner #4666382-WTF

Holotta then enrolled in George Washington University. There, she majored in criminology; with a minor in dramatic arts, and landed a role as John Travolta’s stand-in in the motion picture hit, Hairspray.

Photo Caption: Holotta, John Travolta’s Stand-in, Hairspray

In order to further her law enforcement interests, Holotta joined the Sea Organization (“SO”), where she signed a Billion Year contract, and gained admittance to the famed Sea Org Corps of Cadets (“SOCC”), where she stood among the foremost cadets of of her day.

Photo Caption: Devoted Sea Org Corps of Cadet, Holotta Delusion

Consequently, all subsequent military maneuvers were carried out under the coveted SOCC flag—most immediately a 2008 mission to Hemet, California. But with great success often comes great failure. After service as a senior SOCC intelligence officer in their Office of Special Affairs (“OSA”), she was deeply saddened by the inhumanity and carnage of ants and cockroaches in the “hole.”  When she failed to “reveal her crimes” during the forty-four Security Checks that followed, however, David “Let Him Die” Miscavige (“DLHDM”) personally assigned his once-favorite OSA troll to the “DLHDM Garden Dwarf Reform School.”

Photo Caption: Holotta in the DLHDM Garden Dwarf Reform School

Although left partially lame and blind from injuries sustained while trying to rescue those ants and cockroaches, the Sea Org diagnosed Lieutenant Holotta Delusion permanently deluded by 2010. Afterward, Holotta sought specialized care at the “DLHD Garden Dwarf Medical Center” in Mexico City, Mexico. Soon, that Latin country to America’s south fell in love with her. After regaining favor with DLHDM, he assigned her as the Commanding Officer of Mexico City’s Ideal Org.

Photo Caption: Ideal Org Commanding Officer, Holotta, in Mexico City

After years of OSA undercover and surveillance work in Mexico’s underbelly, DLHDM fully acknowledged Holotta’s unique devotion to the SO way of life when he assigned her permanently as the new Watch Dog Committee (“WDC”) Chairperson.

“My main job,” she said during commencements at this year’s SOCC graduation, “is to ruthlessly hammer in ethics on all youse Scientologists. Command intention demands it!”

“Anyone caught within twenty feet or even suspected of thinking of a computer,” she added, “let alone a website, will be sec checked into their next lifetime!”

“That goes double for any thoughts on Shelly What’s-Her-Name.”


Inspired by OTVIIIisGrrr8! The World’s Best Satire of the Church of Scientology and its Leader David Miscavige, “Tough New WDC Chairman to Smash in Ethics on the Church!” May 1, 2015.

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