After completing OT X, Scientologists gathered at Friday Graduation to hear Noelle North share her wins. A hush came over the crowd as a thing, possibly a woman, entered the room. Excitement tinged the air as she approached the podium, where Church spokesman Ken Delusion greeted her. Her head had humongous, pupilless eyes; two antennae waved above her brow. Her spindly legs didn’t lift her any higher than Ken Delusion’s shirt pocket.

KEN DELUSION: “We are delighted to have you here, Ms. North.”
NOELLE NORTH: “BHLLNGLBHBHNANGONRONRHUBNR!”
KEN DELUSION: “I want to personally thank and acknowledge you for completing OT X.”
NOELLE NORTH: “OHDHBGBHLBN ABLA OAHBHBGRHUNHLBLAGABAA.”
KEN DELUSION: “You have always done such a great job of spreading the wins of scientology worldwide. OT X is the foundation upon which a new civilization can be built.”
NOELLE NORTH: “ARNNIGATTLLD!”
KEN DELUSION (pointing to a man in the audience who had just raised his hand): “Yes, do you have a question for our honored guest?”
MAN (pointing at Ms. North): “She must be some foreigner. Can’t she speak English?”

With that, Ms. North rummaged inside a pocket of her smock-like garment, and produced some coils and tubes which she quickly assembled into an instrument. She plugged one end of it into a wall socket and aimed the other end—a megaphone of some sort—at Ken Delusion.

NOELLE NORTH: “ABAB LALLG NNABH ABOD!”
KEN DELUSION: “That’s a funny-lookin’ contraption you’ve got there, but heck, I’ve seen MP3 players that were better. That thing doesn’t even play.”

Ms. North twiddled a few more knobs.

NOELLE NORTH: “BHRLBGDLRLH!”
KEN DELUSION: “That didn’t do a bit of good. I can’t understand a single word you’re saying.”

With that, Ms. North beamed, her antennae waving in excitement as she turned a small dial sharply to the right. Soon, the phone responded.

NOELLE NORTH (her lips not moving with the sound coming through the phone): “Then you speak plain English.”
KEN DELUSION: “I do. If you do, then why didn’t you just do so from the start?”
NOELLE NORTH: “It is considered an insult, vulgar and out-tech for an OT X to use elementary English. Can’t you encipher what I’ve been saying?”
KEN DELUSION: “I can’t.”
NOELLE NORTH: “As we communicate, an OT X can decipher and encipher. It’s instantaneous and without effort grammatically correct.”
KEN DELUSION: “Ms. North, the audience and I are eager for you to share your success the result of OT X. What message do you bring for us?”
NOELLE NORTH: “Subway, eat fresh!”

Sources:

OTVIIIisGrrr8! The World’s Best Satire of the Church of Scientology and its Leader David Miscavige
“The World’s First Scientology OT X Completion!” September 30, 2016.

The Underground Bunker, Tony Ortega on Scientology
“‘The Unbreakable Miss Lovely’ audiobook on sale, and we’re doing a Reddit AMA at noon,” September 29, 2016.

YouTube’s Source LRonHu88ard’s Enturbulation Cult of Scientology
“Noelle Nichelle North, Ed Parkins, Luc Dubois, Eden Stein, OSA Commandeer a Subway,” June 25, 2011.

The novelette, The Crossroads, by L. Ron Hubbard, published in the magazine, Unknown, February 1, 1941.)

Loonapix (“Exhibition in the Art Gallery”).

Advertisements