Stalkerazzi 12-Step Program

By JennyAtLAX, January 27, 2015

We in the Cherch of $cientology live in f*cking hard times. Nobody loves us. It’s so depressing! And women, we all know what depression is all about. I feel like I’m having one of those major episodes of depression right now.

Have you read the papers? Seen the news? It seems like everybody and their brother is harping on poor $cientology.” Geesh, just get a life already! The HBLOW® documentary, “Gone Clear: $cientology and the Prism of Belief,” has scared the bejesus out of David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”). The telephones have stopped ringing at the International Association of $cientologists (“IA$”) and the last three fundraisers have been a complete bust. The Valley Org needs to raise another $40,000,000,000 before Thursday at 2:00 PM or else!

Gone is the COB’s kindness, compassion and understanding; his warmth and effusiveness has all but evaporated. I have never experienced nor witnessed any violence from Mr. Miscavige toward anyone, until yesterday, that is. He actually kicked himself in the butt, and confessed that he knew that he was conning others, but that he’s been helpless to stop it. Has not the last 12 months meant anything to the world? To the universe? To the Sector? It’s our greatest era of expansion—witnessed by a veritable explosion of unbelievable monumental achievements—including the grand openings of Idle mOrgues, Idle Narconons and Idle airPorts on no less that fifteen planets.

Depression is a very serious condition and who else can attest to that but a current day $cientologist? We’re all normally sad, hopeless, helpless and feel worthless, but HBLOW® Documentary Films has kicked our depression into overdrive: we’re all in deep apathy, we can’t eat, can’t sleep, and suffer from no self-esteem along with zero-grade fatigue. HBLOW® has a lot of ‘splaining to do!

It’s even more severe when our criminal income sources dry up, and we have HBLOW® to thank for that. Thanks, HBLOW®! Three cheers for HBLOW®!  Hip, hip… ah, forget it.

$cientology has tried attacking EVERYONE, from the New Yorker, CNN, to the St. Petersburg Times. Now we’ve gone after HBLOW® and all of the the one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six apostates who have left the cherch in the last 14-minutes. Who do we go after next? What do you expect COB to do? Kick the dog? He’s already done that!

So how do we Jennys snap out of the depression?

One thing that us girls can do during these days of mania is to focus our energy on something productive. Isn’t that right, girls? One minute you feel like you’re on top of the world; the next minute, you’re a bomb careening out of control from a DC-8 into a f*cking volcano, with massive explosions in full stereo! I haven’t slept a wink since we ran that full page ad against HBLOW® in the New York Times. The day before that ad ran, we were sitting on top of the world! We were THIS close to clearing the planet! The f*cking universe! Just thinking about how much we touched the one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six people that we’ve introduced $cientology to in the past 4 days just makes me goose pimply all over! Instead, I can’t stop talking, typing or thinking; I’m a wreck, and if that isn’t bad enough, COB has taken away my eBay privileges.

I can’t shop! Let’s face it, girls, us stalkerazzis are natural-born shopaholics. When we’re not ambushing disgruntled apostates, we spending the Cherch’s wealth gleamed from their whales on tons and tons of trinkets! But without access to eBay (it’s the only site that C$I’s Net Granny let’s $ea mOrgue members visit online), how else can we vent all that frustration?

Experience has proven that without big, fat, meaty whales, $cientology is sunk; that support system is our bread-and butter, and even the threat of no income gives COB the heebie-jeebies and I break out in hives! The psychological stress alone from “Gone Clear” makes me want to completely mess with all of my medications!

COB has suggested that us Jennys need to make ourselves extraordinarily desirable so that we can attract, not repel, apostates. Yesterday’s apostates can be tomorrow’s “Bodies in the Shop”! So here’s what we’re going to do, girls:

A full “Stalkerazzi Makeover”! Become your most “Dragulous” self!

The Stalkerazzi 12-Step Program:


Begin with a good, clean face. No crying! Trim those eyebrows. Get them out of the way!


Apply spirit gum to your brows; press into the skin in order to flatten them. If you don’t have the spirit to use spirit gum, get some mustache wax instead (be sure to powder it).


Next, my patented Mary De Moss-like “Scar and Nose Wax” Technique. This is the material used to make scars and witch noses, the kind you’d normally find in makeup kits in the theater.

Cover the entire brow, making an even, nice surface (not like Sunday service at our Cherch). Cover that with a translucent powder (any such powder will do). Get those brows prepped! Next, apply a full foundation. If you’re anything like me, you’ve got some massive facial hair sprouting everywhere, so get a good shave and apply a foundation such as “Full Coverage,” to hide that girl beard. The Cherch of $cientology and their Ideal airPorts just can’t tolerate a cheap foundation—isn’t that why we did away with the Los Angeles Org and American Saint Hill Org “Foundations”? “Hairy” and “Stalkerazzi” just don’t go together, do they? If you want, shave those damn eyebrows or get ’em waxed into a more feminine kind of shape.

Choose from among an assortment of absolutely fabulous movies to have playing as inspiration as you do your make-up, including The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994), To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (1995), and La Cage aux Folles (1978).  Some Like It Hot (1959) will soothe and comfort when the mob breaks COB’s knees for non-payment!

Don’t let any downtone sh*t put a damper on your party atmosphere!


Next, form the arch of your brow, preferably with a pencil in the same shade as the wig you’ll later don. You may not get it perfect the first time, but as you develop your stalkerazzi character, that perfect “mask” is just around your corner. It’s kind of like the difference between your “social veneer” and the chronic one that us stalkerazzis carry 24/7.

Eyebrows are not twins, god damn it, they f*cking sisters, just as we stalkerazzis are. Whatever you f*ck up during these 12-steps can later be covered up with a bang or two. Or three.


Apply a near-white shadow all over the eye lids. For under the faux brow, use the same highlight. Remember the “colors,” girls: light brings things forward; dark makes them recede. Follow that application with a gel liner. Make sure you always carry a wide range of application brushes for that rush “brush” with the apostate; it’ll make the make-up and stalkerazzi process flawless!


Apply brown from the faux lid’s crease, right up to the covered brown. Blend in purple shadow, taking it up to the highlight under your new brow. Apply the black gel liner you used earlier over the shadows. Us stalkerazzi’s should always start our make-up small, building on what we have, until we can easily overwhelm any apostate by mere looks alone. Never, ever hesitate and use a remover; our make-up is here-to-stay. When in doubt, just add, add, add! Besides, an “Ideal amBush” always requires that over-done, caked-on make-up affect that you’ll need in order to hide the multiple punches and scratches you’ll get.


Now, for that lower eye: line it with a white pencil. In order to extend the eye further, draw a black line under that white line. There! Now you’re going for that full Mary De Moss-like stalkerazzi sensation! Now you’re going for that full, intense, shock effect!


The bigger the lashes the better; size is everything. Apply glue on the lash lines (use the kind of glue that dries solid black, the kind with adhesive on both sides). Let it get a little tacky (no pun intended)!


For your costume, go for anything that’ll help you blend in with the crowd (when security tapes are rerun after an ambush, you don’t want to attract attention to yourself or COB). There’s nothing like embarrassing your own religion and then getting a lousy one-way ticket to “The Hole” for all your hard work! Whatever the costume, a little glamour never hurts; dress to impress (COB). For those plus-sized stalkerazzis, a few staples and duct tape won’t hurt.


Select a dark blush when contouring in order to create that definitive cheekbone and jawline. For me, oval or round shapes are perfect. The non-sticky edge of a Post-It note can help create that perfect sharp line, or you can blend in the darker color with a brush.

The act of a stalkerazzi is deeply unique and personal. When you strip off that social veneer after donning this mask, your apostate will be left shocked by what emerges from the bowels of your hellish soul. Make it fun!


Whatever shade of color lipstick you use should also be the color of your lip pencil. Again, the effect you’re going for is that “extended” look. When overwhelming an apostate, do it with everything you’ve got (and then some). If you want, add light eye shadow in the very middle of your lip for added highlight.


Next, don the wig; get it right! Remember, if it’s being difficult, spray, spray, spray!

Now you’re all set for the airport, stalkerazzi-style!

Comment by Billy Bob to JennyAtLAX: Maybe do some airport flirty-fishing for DM between harassments.

Comment by JennyAtLAX to Billy Bob: We in the Cherch of $cientology proudly announce the reactivation of 1974’s Children of God cult; in its revision, we follow “The Gospel According to Miscavige”: in Miscavige 4:19 is where David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTrC”) says, “Swallow me, and I will make you flirty fishes of my f*cking fanny.”

At “Ideal airPorts,” love bombing has become a tradition of Jennys worldwide; how else could someone such as JennyAtLAX inflict her Mary De Moss-like stalkerazzi technique on disgruntled apostates in broad daylight and get away with it?

The Stalkerazzi 12-Step Program, if applied correctly, sets Jennys up to win the favors and converts that the act of attacking apostates is supposed to achieve. Female members of $cientology are “COB’s whores” and “hookers for COB.” The updated version of Flirty Fish my F*cking Fanny (“FFFFing”) includes sex to whales with their “donation” for $cientology services, most notably for the inverted “Bridge to Fleedom.”  FFFFing and hooking-for-whales (the larger the better; in $cientology, $ize matters!) is about the only way this sorry-ass religion is going survive after the effective blow delivered by the HBLOW® documentary, “Gone Clear: $cientology and the Prism of Belief.” FFFFing has also resulted in second generation births (known as “Four Feet Thirteen Babies”). So far, in 2015, one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six “fish” have been spawned.

Comments originally posted at The Underground Bunker (Tony Ortega on Scientology), “Why Alex Gibney’s ‘Going Clear’ is scaring the crap out of Scientology,” January 27, 2015.